My mother passed away when i was 15. it's been 2 years and 164 days. Since then i have been questioning life. Questions that my father cannot answer, that my friends cannot answer, my grandparents cannot answer....After my mom died, a big part of my heart died too. That part can never be fixed.
Looking at my mother live made me and my father realize that there are bigger problems on this planet and the fact that we crib about life when it comes to issues like what napkins to use with which plates or which glasses and when the husband decides the blue ones, the wife barks at him in front of the kid and replaces the blue ones with the red ones....makes us kind of stupid and makes our lives unworthy.
whatever you are going through..its ok, there are bigger problems on this planet...look at a person who was told that she would only survive for 2 yrs but because of her willpower she went on to survive for 12, proving all medical books and doctors wrong. Am not saying that my mom had the biggest problem...but knowing that there are other terrible and horrific problems out there ..makes you fell that the problem you have is nothing and can be easily overcomed.
I have been low since a few days, and the worst part is I don't even know why. I don't know why.My mom is on my mind everyday...but I am never as sad as i have been since last few days....its not her. But i guess its just the feeling of what would it be like if she were here. She couldn't see me take admission in college...She couldn't see me make friends here...she couldn't see how well I was doing in college both academically and otherwise...I am missing her a lot these days and I can't even tell anyone about it...I cannot talk to my father and I cannot talk to my friends..this is such a sick feeling and i hope no one ever in this world would have to go through this....
I look around and I see my friends talk about marriage and love and all of that stuff....as proud as I am of being a tomboy...all this stuff is toooo girly for me and frankly i dont like it. But do I think of it? I used to. But now I don't, Because now I dont believe in it...I don't believe that love lasts forever...my mother died...the love story there didnt quite finish .sometimes my dad and my stepmom fight till the point where i actually think that both of them oneday may just shoot the other one in his/her sleep....I feel scared...my parents never fought...not even behind my back....they were best friends and knew each other inside out...but now this is an arranged marriage...and its not like i wasn't involved in the decision-making 'cause I was...and am not saying that my father should not have got married again...i encouraged that he should...but here its about me...all of this scarred me quite deeply and I had no idea whom to turn to for help....a diary helps....blogging on the other hand is risky ..leaving everything out in the open for everyone....but i want this to help...
I am not depressed...uh uh no no!...I live my life to the FULLEST...you can say, that nobody can do that ..but I can..I have proved it to myself. period.
I feel weird talking about marriages, weddings, love, Girlfriends, boyfriends...(and no i have never had a boyfriend..and no i do not feel sad about the fact that everyone around me has one...but yeah crushes...that's hormonal right?...am going through a crush-phase right now..and it's so not making my life easier...!) ....soul mates, "the one", prince charming, etc etc...you get the picture right....my friends say I am denying reality...but on the other hand I am embracing it...because when all this doesn't happen, it breaks your heart...yes I do want to get married in the future...probably to a good friend of mine..I do not want a big fat fancy wedding....I do not want a swaroski studded wedding gown...I do not want a big rock..i just want it to be simple ..but all the while loving..I want good food on that day ...but it's not like I have already decided what is going to be on the menu like some girls have( no offence to them at all....that's you and I am me!)...
I am scared ...and not because am scared of whats going to happen if I dont get married or about how am I going to get married 'cause it's tooooo early to think of that....but I am just scared if all the things that have happened or are happening ..have scarred me in someway...
Why the hell do girls talk about marriages..and aarrggh! all of that stuff...why is this out of all things in our woman-blood???..Guys that way are cooler...just living life the way it comes...am not saying that I like guys who womanize around.no no...but just that..guys dont think as annoyingly deeply about all this stuff like the way girls do...
my mom would have been the best person to talk to about all of this stuff....
am not trying to make any point here...its just random.
Looking at my mother live made me and my father realize that there are bigger problems on this planet and the fact that we crib about life when it comes to issues like what napkins to use with which plates or which glasses and when the husband decides the blue ones, the wife barks at him in front of the kid and replaces the blue ones with the red ones....makes us kind of stupid and makes our lives unworthy.
whatever you are going through..its ok, there are bigger problems on this planet...look at a person who was told that she would only survive for 2 yrs but because of her willpower she went on to survive for 12, proving all medical books and doctors wrong. Am not saying that my mom had the biggest problem...but knowing that there are other terrible and horrific problems out there ..makes you fell that the problem you have is nothing and can be easily overcomed.
I have been low since a few days, and the worst part is I don't even know why. I don't know why.My mom is on my mind everyday...but I am never as sad as i have been since last few days....its not her. But i guess its just the feeling of what would it be like if she were here. She couldn't see me take admission in college...She couldn't see me make friends here...she couldn't see how well I was doing in college both academically and otherwise...I am missing her a lot these days and I can't even tell anyone about it...I cannot talk to my father and I cannot talk to my friends..this is such a sick feeling and i hope no one ever in this world would have to go through this....
I look around and I see my friends talk about marriage and love and all of that stuff....as proud as I am of being a tomboy...all this stuff is toooo girly for me and frankly i dont like it. But do I think of it? I used to. But now I don't, Because now I dont believe in it...I don't believe that love lasts forever...my mother died...the love story there didnt quite finish .sometimes my dad and my stepmom fight till the point where i actually think that both of them oneday may just shoot the other one in his/her sleep....I feel scared...my parents never fought...not even behind my back....they were best friends and knew each other inside out...but now this is an arranged marriage...and its not like i wasn't involved in the decision-making 'cause I was...and am not saying that my father should not have got married again...i encouraged that he should...but here its about me...all of this scarred me quite deeply and I had no idea whom to turn to for help....a diary helps....blogging on the other hand is risky ..leaving everything out in the open for everyone....but i want this to help...
I am not depressed...uh uh no no!...I live my life to the FULLEST...you can say, that nobody can do that ..but I can..I have proved it to myself. period.
I feel weird talking about marriages, weddings, love, Girlfriends, boyfriends...(and no i have never had a boyfriend..and no i do not feel sad about the fact that everyone around me has one...but yeah crushes...that's hormonal right?...am going through a crush-phase right now..and it's so not making my life easier...!) ....soul mates, "the one", prince charming, etc etc...you get the picture right....my friends say I am denying reality...but on the other hand I am embracing it...because when all this doesn't happen, it breaks your heart...yes I do want to get married in the future...probably to a good friend of mine..I do not want a big fat fancy wedding....I do not want a swaroski studded wedding gown...I do not want a big rock..i just want it to be simple ..but all the while loving..I want good food on that day ...but it's not like I have already decided what is going to be on the menu like some girls have( no offence to them at all....that's you and I am me!)...
I am scared ...and not because am scared of whats going to happen if I dont get married or about how am I going to get married 'cause it's tooooo early to think of that....but I am just scared if all the things that have happened or are happening ..have scarred me in someway...
Why the hell do girls talk about marriages..and aarrggh! all of that stuff...why is this out of all things in our woman-blood???..Guys that way are cooler...just living life the way it comes...am not saying that I like guys who womanize around.no no...but just that..guys dont think as annoyingly deeply about all this stuff like the way girls do...
my mom would have been the best person to talk to about all of this stuff....
am not trying to make any point here...its just random.
hello baby,
ReplyDeleteread it. actually liked it.u can write...the way i do. free from baggage of proving thet we know hw to write. easy. free flow.
dont worry about boy friends yaar. lots of time for it all. as of now its time to build urself a career u r proud of and make mama proud.she's watching u u know that.
we have got busy with packing. so tough days ahead.
rest all is fine. look fwd to ur blogs. actually have done so myself for the first time.
study hard for ur exams. talk to u later in the day.bye
thx papa...
ReplyDeletei was a little hesitant to put up something like this initially..but whatever helps..and it did...
thx for everything...
talk to you later!
hey..shagun..your mom is watching you everytime..(remembered that scene of kuch kuch hota hai when kajol says this to little anjali...??)i know it's very difficult for you but all i can say is never feel disheartened..we people are always there with you..:)
ReplyDeleteHi Shagun!!
ReplyDeleteJust read your 'blog'.. and was really moved by it! You know why.. because I too, have lost my Mom.. and I miss her terribly! In fact, the reason I was on the 'blog' right now was because my Mom passed away in March (2006)..
I was reading my 'thoughts' I'd written in Dec 2009.. at my 'lowest' phase - thinking of my Mom! - and just like you I started with the 'blog' to vent my feelings.. talk to the 'Universe' rather than any one person in particular!
I would invite you to read my 'post'.. 'World around me'.. and tell me what you think about it!
Take care...
Be strong. Be positive! :)
Hi Shagun! Morning! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! - For reading my 'blog' and leaving your comments!
I just want you to know that I DO UNDERSTAND.. your pain, sorrow, feeling of loss (that, really, can never be replaced..) but I hope, you will feel free to 'talk' to me.. because I DO KNOW that 'sick feeling' too, when you have sooo many emotions inside that you just don't have an 'idea'... exactly HOW to 'express' yourself or where to BEGIN.. how.. to tell! - and even, whom to tell... or 'discuss' things with!
Keep your chin-up, m'dear!
You got a 'new' friend! :)
Hello Shagun!
ReplyDeleteHope you've had a great week!! Wish you a very, very HAPPY HOLI!!! :)
Have a superb time with your mates today!!
And, yes.. think of your Mum... smiling.. when she sees you drenched in colours!! Red, pink, blue.. yellow and green... She'll love the 'sight' of you!! :)
You see, Shagun.. I've 'learnt' in life that when you 'love' someone... you think of THEM first.. and of yourself.. second!
Imagine, if GOD had said to you - "Well, Shagun, your Mum can 'live' ANOTHER year - but her 'illness' will become WORSE. 'Inside' her 'body' ( which you cannot see) the 'pain' will be unbearable, the internal 'hurting' will cause even more damage and the 'stress' on her mind will become even more severe. So, tell me, shall I keep her 'alive' or do you want to 'let go' of her... and I'll take her with me".
Don't you think, Shagun, how 'selfish' we can be, if we say, 'I love you'.. and I want you to be 'near' me... because it makes 'ME' happy?
To 'love', Shagun, it to be 'self-less' - you say, 'I love you'.. and I want to see 'YOU'.. at ease. Comfortable. Happy. At peace. Healthy.
Would you not, then say to GOD,I am a 'grown-up' now, and I can take care of myself. GOD, I want you to make my Mum 'healthy' again.. but if it can't be done.. then NO.. I CAN'T SEE HER IN SO MUCH PAIN..so, yes, you can take her with you, I'll live with the memory of the'good' times we shared. And, from those I will draw my 'strength' to carry on.. KNOWING.. THAT IN HEAVEN SHE IS, TODAY, MUCH MORE 'AT EASE'!
'Love' is a 'powerful' thing, Shagun...
It makes you STRONG.. not 'weak'!
It was 'love' for you and your Dad.. that gave your MOM - the 'WILL-POWER' - to have survived for 12 years... rather than just 2 yrs!
And, you should be 'PROUD'.. of your MOM'S STRENGTH.. and make it a 'goal'.. to be as 'strong' a person as she was! O.K. little one!
Have a lovely day today!! With a broad smile on your face and a fantastic 'Holi' song playing in the background!! :)
P.S.: If you EVER.. feel the need to 'talk'.. leave a 'comment' on my 'blog'.. It shows up on my 'e-mail'!
Take care, sweets!
thank you so much miss neena...its been great hearing from you...I can't tell you how happy I feel whenever I see any of your comments...
ReplyDeletethank you again...
Hi Shagun!
ReplyDeleteYes,your Mum n Papa have been the best of friends throughout-know it 'cos have been privy to quite a few of her feelings.We were the same age n grew up together-teenage crushes et al.Their strength and steadfast love is actually what dreams are made of-hats off to both of them.
Great to see you having the same strength n conviction that Vini always did-she's watching for sure...........and smiling her most attractive smile.Writing sure helps outpour your feelings-continue!And message me anytime-Maasi understands!
Lots n lots of love
Reema Maasi